If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about guys during my years as a sex writer, it’s that they’re desperate to feel okay about their junk – and with nicknames like that, it’s no wonder. This is true regardless of what a guy is packing, from micro-members to skyscraper schlongs.
In fact, I once interviewed Jonah Falcon, the man with the world’s biggest penis, and found him living a secluded “asexual” lifestyle that he called “depressing”. You see? The grass is not always greener… on the other side of the locker room.
Even men who aren’t worried about their size are often deeply concerned that their penises are ugly or weird, smelly or bad-tasting. Guys with foreskin sometimes feel like freaks; guys without it wonder if sex would be better with it.
Then there are the aesthetic anxieties about scars, curving, colouring, freckles, warts, moles and pubic hair. Testicles come with their own magnum-sized worries about sagging and unevenness.
This is all before sex even begins. Then you get your performance-related insecurities: “Is my penis hard enough?”, “Did I last long enough”, “Does my cum taste revolting?”
I have one thing to say about this rampant penis anxiety: You’re tripping so damn hard.
As a so-called sexpert, and a red-blooded heterosexual woman, I can tell you there is every reason to love your penis – and you’ll find some of the most important examples below.
Vaginas are only so big
We tend to apply bigger-is-better thinking to a man’s erection – but the average vagina is only 7 to 10cm deep. And the all-important G-spot is generally only 5 to 7cm inside. So you really don’t need to reach very far in to get to the important bit!
You have no idea what an average penis looks like!
If you insist on disregarding what I have to say about the relative unimportance of size, consider that you probably don’t have an accurate picture of what an average penis looks like anyway. Fortunately, science reveals the average penis size. How do you stack up?
Just think about it: If you’re straight, you typically only see other guys’ junk in porn and the locker room, right? Surely you already realise that X-rated stars do not have average-sized man parts. But here’s something you may not know about those seemingly gifted dudes who insist on letting their members air-dry at the gym: They might not be what they appear.
According to the Kinsey Institute, “In general, smaller flaccid penises lengthen at erection by a greater percentage than do larger flaccid penises, with most men reaching an average size of 12 to 17cm, so the flaccid size of a penis is not a good predictor of erect size.”
Penises smell great
Popular wisdom seems to be that penises are stinky. Sure, if you play a bunch of basketball and don’t shower for a week, it’s going to have a nasty funk. But if you exercise basic hygiene, it’s not a problem. (There are a few simple fixes you can do if your penis really does stink.) If anything, it might have the slight woody scent of a manly cologne. We women like manly cologne.
And taste good too
Again, if you shower like a civilised human, there just isn’t any bad taste to speak of. Unless you plan on having a couple ribs removed so that you can try it for yourself, you’ll just have to take my word for it.
You can pee anywhere, for crying out loud
Clearly this isn’t sexy-times related – unless golden showers are your thing – but, man, I have been waiting to get this off my chest. You men get to urinate anywhere you want. Just whip out that pee tunnel and you’re good to go. In the woods, on the side of the road, in the snow. You’ll never have to know the misery of squatting to pee.
Foreskin is awesome
Lots of guys think foreskin looks funny. What they’re failing to see is the beauty of the mechanics of the thing, and the way a woman will appreciate being able to effortlessly glide her hand over the head.
So is no skin
A circumsised penis is like a present without the wrapping – it’s 100% immediate gratification. No woman will argue with that.
Penises are ‘morning people’
Man, first thing every morning, without fail, your little guy pops right up out of bed like you never will. It’s inspiring, really. That dude has a real zest for life. In terms of role models for how to be in the world, it’s a toss up between the penis and the Dalai Lama.
Not getting the morning wood the way you used to? No problem. Here are eight ways to protect your erection.
Ejaculation is awesome
I guess I don’t have to try too hard to convince you of this. I don’t just mean the awesomeness of the associated ecstasy, though. It’s also the dramatic visual display of pleasure. Nature’s fireworks, man! It makes ladies’ jaws drop in awe – and, OK, I’ll admit, a bit of jealousy. Now, some women do ejaculate, but it’s much less common, and more difficult to achieve. So count your blessings, penis-owners.
Your wang is a beautiful thing
The delicate ridges and veins. The mind-bending smoothness, even when it’s hard. (I could write a 1 000-word ode to the beauty of the frenulum alone, you guys.) It all makes for a breathtaking sight – and any woman who’s any fun to have sex with will agree.